What does grief feel like?

You know those dark, rainy nights? Where it's so cold out that the chill seeps into your bones. You bundle up under the blankets and you can't get warm. No matter what you do, layering, blowing on your hands - the numbness just doesn't let go? 

This is what my grief feels like. 

It's this ever present weight that I can't shake off. My one friend likes to remind me that it's still relatively early in my grieving process, "It's only been 2 months."

When I think about it like that, it makes sense. The shock still hasn't worn off. I cry a lot. I want answers that I'll never get. I want to understand the inexplicable, the incomprehensible. 

But there are no answers.

My friend's actions that night don't match who I knew him to be. I'll never know what triggered those events. But I can choose which memories are in the forefront of my mind. Instead of remembering his last act, I can remember what a great friend he was. How warm, kind, and giving he was. Perhaps in time I can be rid of what seems like this permanent burden and my grief will turn into only fond memories. 

One can hope.

My World Will Not Be The Same Without You

These last few days have been incredibly rough. I don't know how much I can really say, as the pain has been mostly unbearable. A dear, close friend of mine has left this world of his own accord, and in the process has taken another's life. And it all just breaks my heart.

Arthur, enjoying some dinner, wine, and conversation.

He served two tours in Iraq, and they seem to never have left him. Soldier was not the only title that defined him. Friend. Brother. Son. He was a kind soul who gave all he had to others without asking for anything in return. He was truly there for people, whether to counsel, listen, or just be a shoulder to cry on. He cared deeply and wanted to ease suffering.

Which is what makes his last act so horrific. 

With so many people, including me, ready to drop everything to be by his side, it still was not enough to defeat his demons. I believed he was getting better. I believed the help he was receiving was enough to reduce the weight of his burdens. That he felt so alone among so many that cared for him is beyond tragic. 

Arthur, you didn't have to fight this battle alone. I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you when you really needed me. I'm sorry I couldn't reach you in time to pull you out of that darkness. I'm sorry you were so beaten down that you thought your only option was to leave this world. I wish I could have been the friend you needed, so I could see your smiling face today.

Like all who knew you, I have many emotions to work through: grief, anger, denial. I have to accept what has happened, but I can't today. Or anytime soon. I'm going to miss you so much, my friend. So, so much. My world will not be the same without you.

Pearl 07/14/11-02/21/12

Pearl

This beautiful little girl was our Pearl.   


She passed away unexpectedly on February 21, 2012.  She was 8 months old.


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That was Griffin, our dog.  he misses her too, but he does not know his alphabet, so he ca cant write it, he can only tap on her picture.

We first met our sweet kitty when my daughter spent the night at a friend's house back in July 2011.  The family told me of the little homeless kitten they had been feeding.  They named "him" Hobo-Meow-Meow and "he" was the cutest thing ever!  Then again, which kitten isn't cute?

We were still struggling from losing our first cat, Diego, after he ran away from our move to a new place.  I guess after 8 years of living in the same place, the move was too stressful for Diego to take.  We also adopted a puppy, so perhaps all that was too overwhelming.  That loss of a pet is a painful thing to go through, so we were not looking to adopt a new kitten so soon.  It had only happened 4 months earlier, so the wounds were still fresh.  But how could we resist?  We decided to take Hobo home and make her a part of our family.

Pearl & dangly things

Apparently, Hobo missed the memo and hid out under a bed for a couple of weeks.  Once we figured out he was a she, we renamed her Pearl.  Little by little she came out of her shell, though she still ran if we made any sudden movements.  She was so skittish!  We enticed her with toys and socks, the dangly things she seemed to like most.  Her reluctance made her loving moments more endearing.   It took her about two months to come close enough to lay down on us, and purr when we pet her, but eventually that's all she wanted. 

Pearl & Griffin

She could not sleep without the dog either.  She would curl up next to Griffin and they would sleep all morning, just to run havoc in the night time.  Jerks.  I think they planned that one together.  No one could sleep if those two were awake!

Pearl would stay up long enough to see me make my cup of coffee groggily.  She would stick her whole head into the machine trying to figure out where that magic water came from.  I would have to shoo her so she would not get burnt with the hot coffee coming out.  She would do the same thing with anything she could not figure out.  Like the printer.  She heard the whirr of the parts turning, she would stick her head in the compartment to see what was coming out.  She was so curious! 

What is that?

The computer and television were other things that threw her for a loop.   She would stare at them trying her darnedest to figure them out.  Her sudden fearlessness in our home was amusing to see considering her flight reflex to stay alive. She was clearly comfortable in our presence. 

I think you can figure out that we miss her terribly.  When people go in for a routine procedure, we do not expect them to die.  Same situation here, we did not expect Pearl to die from spaying.  Her sweetness was only 5lbs and her heart could not take the stress of the surgery.  We do not hold our vet responsible, as they have always been good to us. 

Life is full of surprises.  You never know what is going to happen and you have to treat each day like it is your last.  You do not want to have any regrets. So right now, hug those you love and tell them so.  I can guarantee that no human (or pet) can hear those words enough. 

What happened to the Golden Rule?

It is always hard to keep a your faith strong when disaster hits.  The last couple of days have brought about some sad stories.  The news has been chockful of them: murders, the death toll of soldiers in war, the devastation of the earthquake & tsunami in Japan.  It was especially hard to hear about something closer to home: the fire one family suffered that resulted in the deaths of 7 of their 8 children.  If you haven't read the story, click here.

I could not imagine losing either of my children, God forbid both of them at the same time.  The pain and guilt this family must be suffering to lose most of their immediate family, that is just beyond comprehension.  What makes it worse is the proposed actions by the Westboro Baptist Church.  They plan on picketing and disrupting the family's funeral. 

The WBC write hateful things in their press release in the name of God.  I am not claiming to be the best Christian ever, but no matter what someone does that you don't agree with, you should not take away their right to grieve and bury their loved ones in peace.  

What returns my faith in people is the circle of love proposed to shield the family from a hateful protest.  Neighbors, friends, and strangers are pooling in to help this family.  Bake sales, chicken BBQs, funds in banks set up and even people coming in to do farm chores.  A new home is being built and many are volunteering their time. 

The way humanity comes together to help each other is the reason my husband and I decided to raise our children in central Pennsylvania.  While I appreciate the rights people have to say what they please, there is such a thing as tact, and I sure hope the WBC really sees what they are doing and changes tactics.  Prayer is a good place to start.  Reading the Bible, too.

Matthew 7:12  Do for others what you want them to do for you: this is the meaning of the Law of Moses and of the teachings of the prophets.

Luke 6: 31 Do for others just what you want them to do for you.

Leviticus 19:18 Do not take revenge on others or continue to hate them, but love your neighbors as you love yourself.  I am the LORD.

So tell me WBC, what happened to the Golden Rule?