It's more than a tad overwhelming.
I'm not going to lie and say it's been easy to keep my head above water. There have been days when suicide's call has been more than compelling. Yet somehow, I was able to hold on to a thin string of hope. Barely. I still struggle from day to day, but I've made it somehow. I truly believe it's had to do with the amazing support from friends who haven't given up on me and the will to not be another statistic.
One thing therapy has harped on a lot is self-compassion and changing my thought pattern to be more positive. Although I truly HATE someone telling me to be more positive when it's raining down on me, there is some truth to it. I do feel better when I'm focusing on happier thoughts. Not that it's a fix for my issues, but chipping away at the stone enclosure I've built around myself has got to start somewhere.
I've been wanting to do this thing I saw on Pinterest where you make a plain mason jar all pretty and write down a happy memory or thought or thing that happened on that day and then on New Years Eve, you dump out those memories to find all the beautiful things that happened to you that year.
I'm too lazy, busy, and just take too long to choose the "right" color or theme to make this happen, so I decided to make my own twist to it and just write it out. It's more my speed: there will be less clutter in my home, I won't procrastinate (much) to make it happen, and it's in a place where I know I will be able to find it - the Internet FOREVER.
So here's to 2019 full of good thoughts, memories, and just a jolly good time!
