A day in depression

When you have a mental illness, it is difficult to tell others when you are suffering.  It is incredibly nerve-wracking, as you never know what reaction you are going to get.  With depression, not everyone understands that on the outside you might look okay, but on the inside it’s a sad, sad place.

Sometimes, I can’t get the words out of my mouth.  I suffer in silence.  I escape from reality and want nothing to do with the world.  I do everything in my power to avoid people – I don’t get up, answer the phone, or interact with people.  I barely eat, sleep, or talk.  And listening to someone?  That takes too much effort.  

Since entering college, I have had to tell many professors when my depression spikes so they know I am not just cutting class.  I hate each and every time I have to do it.  In my head I imagine all the responses I could possibly receive, and my stress level skyrockets.  It makes me want to curl up in a ball and hide, which is the opposite of what I need.   

The worst part of the cycle is the feelings of inadequacy, of weakness for not being able to handle emotions.  Then I feel worse for falling into that trap (again) and I feel like a piece of garbage.  I fall deeper into the depression the more it goes on. 

Wednesday I hid.  I did not go to class.  I avoided as much as I could Thursday and Friday.  I lay in bed all weekend, until my husband came home from work and made me get up.

Today I had to make the decision of going to class or not.  I did not want to, but there was still something that forced me to go and attempt to listen for two hours.  I was nowhere near 100%, but trying to be.  And you know what happened?  Even though I had to leave halfway through it for a break, I was still able to pay attention. 

And telling my professor why I missed class?  It was not the horrible nightmare I envisioned.  I do not know if he could sense how uncomfortable I was or if he just saw the sadness in my eyes, but he was beyond kind in his response.  So kind in fact, I cried.

Not because I was sad, but because I knew he was one of the few who understood.    

Been Gone Long Time

It has been FOREVER since I have posted anything.  I am actually quite ashamed to not have kept up with my personal posts.  Have I just lost interest and no longer want to write?  No, it is just life that has ruled my little universe.

Number one: Football season.  This was my son's 4th year and he has become a little beast.  He has a stocky build and is not afraid to use it.  Fearless.  His adrenaline pumps as he smashes through the line and tackles someone down.  With practices being held three days a week and games on Sunday, I had no time for anything else.

Number two: College.  I upped the ante and hit the books.  Three classes to the start of a new working career.  The end is near for the semester, and I am so happy to have made the decision to return to school.   

Number three: Elementary School.  I have always been room mom for one of my kids classes, but this year, I got the privilege to be host to TWO classrooms.  Not as many parents are able to donate their time or money due to finances, and I was not going to leave those kids hanging.  I just helped out yesterday with the book fair, and let me tell you, it is so much fun helping the kids pick out books!

Number four: Family and Friends.  I had the pleasure of meeting my nephew, Rylie, for the first time.  The little bundle of 6-year-old energy was a blast to hang around with in Pennsylvania.  I cannot remember the last time I had played with Transformers or Legos.  Fun times.  Many friends were also having babies, so visiting them held my baby urges at bay :)

And finally, number five: Reading and Writing.  I have been trying to catch up on my reading.  I have a HUGE stack of TBR books, and it has only gotten bigger as I find new books to read.  The writing has taken form as a book review and an article for the school paper.  Might as well throw myself in there, right?

Okay, enough excuses.  I promise to write on a more consistent basis.  At least post once a week, if only to keep my sanity.  I have so many drafts saved of events I was going to post, I just need to step it up and finish the darn things.  Until next time...