A day in depression

When you have a mental illness, it is difficult to tell others when you are suffering.  It is incredibly nerve-wracking, as you never know what reaction you are going to get.  With depression, not everyone understands that on the outside you might look okay, but on the inside it’s a sad, sad place.

Sometimes, I can’t get the words out of my mouth.  I suffer in silence.  I escape from reality and want nothing to do with the world.  I do everything in my power to avoid people – I don’t get up, answer the phone, or interact with people.  I barely eat, sleep, or talk.  And listening to someone?  That takes too much effort.  

Since entering college, I have had to tell many professors when my depression spikes so they know I am not just cutting class.  I hate each and every time I have to do it.  In my head I imagine all the responses I could possibly receive, and my stress level skyrockets.  It makes me want to curl up in a ball and hide, which is the opposite of what I need.   

The worst part of the cycle is the feelings of inadequacy, of weakness for not being able to handle emotions.  Then I feel worse for falling into that trap (again) and I feel like a piece of garbage.  I fall deeper into the depression the more it goes on. 

Wednesday I hid.  I did not go to class.  I avoided as much as I could Thursday and Friday.  I lay in bed all weekend, until my husband came home from work and made me get up.

Today I had to make the decision of going to class or not.  I did not want to, but there was still something that forced me to go and attempt to listen for two hours.  I was nowhere near 100%, but trying to be.  And you know what happened?  Even though I had to leave halfway through it for a break, I was still able to pay attention. 

And telling my professor why I missed class?  It was not the horrible nightmare I envisioned.  I do not know if he could sense how uncomfortable I was or if he just saw the sadness in my eyes, but he was beyond kind in his response.  So kind in fact, I cried.

Not because I was sad, but because I knew he was one of the few who understood.    

Been Gone Long Time

It has been FOREVER since I have posted anything.  I am actually quite ashamed to not have kept up with my personal posts.  Have I just lost interest and no longer want to write?  No, it is just life that has ruled my little universe.

Number one: Football season.  This was my son's 4th year and he has become a little beast.  He has a stocky build and is not afraid to use it.  Fearless.  His adrenaline pumps as he smashes through the line and tackles someone down.  With practices being held three days a week and games on Sunday, I had no time for anything else.

Number two: College.  I upped the ante and hit the books.  Three classes to the start of a new working career.  The end is near for the semester, and I am so happy to have made the decision to return to school.   

Number three: Elementary School.  I have always been room mom for one of my kids classes, but this year, I got the privilege to be host to TWO classrooms.  Not as many parents are able to donate their time or money due to finances, and I was not going to leave those kids hanging.  I just helped out yesterday with the book fair, and let me tell you, it is so much fun helping the kids pick out books!

Number four: Family and Friends.  I had the pleasure of meeting my nephew, Rylie, for the first time.  The little bundle of 6-year-old energy was a blast to hang around with in Pennsylvania.  I cannot remember the last time I had played with Transformers or Legos.  Fun times.  Many friends were also having babies, so visiting them held my baby urges at bay :)

And finally, number five: Reading and Writing.  I have been trying to catch up on my reading.  I have a HUGE stack of TBR books, and it has only gotten bigger as I find new books to read.  The writing has taken form as a book review and an article for the school paper.  Might as well throw myself in there, right?

Okay, enough excuses.  I promise to write on a more consistent basis.  At least post once a week, if only to keep my sanity.  I have so many drafts saved of events I was going to post, I just need to step it up and finish the darn things.  Until next time...

School Divides Students Based On Race, Gender - Education News Story - WGAL The Susquehanna Valley

Are we trying to move forwards or backwards?

I admit, I flipped out yesterday after reading an article about segregating homerooms by gender and race – in the state I live in!  You read correctly.  In Lancaster, Pennsylvania, a high school has split the homerooms up by gender and race with a teacher that “looks like them.”  The thinking behind it is “studies show students do better in school when they have a strong mentor.”  So, where does race tie in?  The city/town where the program is being implemented is only a skip and a hop away from us.  What’s to stop them from doing this statewide?  While I applaud the school for trying a new program to achieve excellence, I have a few qualms about this approach.

One: Where do biracial or multi-racial children go?  Do you put them with the teacher that has the most in common with them racially or the one that looks most like them?  Either way you’re going to think the “other” part of you is not worthy.  To me, you’re learning intolerance more than anything.  In the real world, you work with many different people and don’t get a choice as to whether you want to work with a white, black, Latino or Asian person.  If you want a job, you go with the flow or go.

Two: How much impact does 15 minutes a day really have?  If you are only with that teacher for homeroom, where most of the time is being spent on announcements, where does the mentorship come in?  Passing out paper and making announcements would not make.  Does it not make more sense to mentor after school a couple days a week where you would get more one-on-one attention?

Three: Why not hold parents accountable?  I know not everything is a parents fault, but sometimes that is the case.  When a parent doesn't care, why should a child?  Unfortunately, there are cases where a child's education is left solely to the school district and they can only do so much.  I was recently at a school meeting to explain the new reading program they were rolling out.  A parent was very verbally upset about the assignment, as the school district was making her child read EVERY DAY and since he doesn't like to, she has to "make" him.  Um, yeah, that's your job as a parent.  What if we let our kids get away with things they didn't like to do: like not brush their teeth, not shower and not change their underwear?  Ew.  Essentially, she was mad the school was making her "work".  God forbid you should care.  Believe it or not, if you show an interest in what your child is doing, they'll be okay.  You know what happens when you get a job and decide not to do something because you don't like it?  It's been my experience that you get FIRED.

While I don't agree with the segregation, at least the school district is trying to do something so kids won't fail.  They're not just giving up on them.  I think what rubs people the wrong way is that there are 2 black homerooms (male/female) and 4 homerooms for those learning English.  You can imagine where the rest go.  There's a book I highly recommend reading called Inside Delta Force by Eric Haney.  It's his story about creating one of the elite military counter-terrorism units of the same name.  A lot of what a human can deal with is 90% mental.  A quote from the book that always stuck with me, and would do well to keep in mind when thinking of your work ethic: You don't have to like it, you just have to do it.